Post-apocalyptic Propriety
by Distant Glory
Summary: After leaving the manor, Weiss had a few things to say to Kainé about the appropriate way to speak to children. Unfortunately for him, Kainé doesn't like being lectured.


It seemed like a funny idea at the time.

* * *

 **Post-apocalyptic Propriety**

Facade was never going to be Nier's favourite place to travel around. Sure, it was much easier now that Weiss could translate their weird language, and the people were pretty friendly—but there were just too many damn stairs.

"I'm seriously considering just pulling myself over the walls," Nier confided. He shuffled away from the top of the latest flight, set down his load, and bent over to rub his aching knees. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

Despite the fact that the face on his cover never changed, Weiss managed to look disapproving. "How do you expect us to find Grimoire Noir if you can be defeated by mere steps?"

Nier scowled at him. "You wouldn't be saying that if _you_ were the one who had to climb them all. I can handle stairs just fine—it's having to go up and down fifty flights in half an hour that gets to me. Thank God this is the last job." With all of the Sealed Verses collected, the only thing left was to track down and defeat Grimoire Noir. Nier didn't want to be distracted during that search—but running halfway across the world to collect the Verses had taken a big chunk out of his savings. Hence the detour to Facade: he wanted to make sure that they would have enough funds for their hunt, and still have enough to pay for Yonah's care while he was gone.

Thankfully, the people of Facade paid extremely well—even if it was for the strangest things. Nier was still reeling from being paid ten thousand gold to deliver a couple of messages.

"Yes, well, your aching bones can soon rest," said Weiss, his voice dripping with disdain. "Three more flights and you can deliver those 'round, striped food objects' to your client and we can be on our way."

Nier groaned at the thought of another three staircases. _But it's for Yonah_ , he reminded himself. The thought was enough to make him haul his sack of watermelons back over his shoulder, but he couldn't help casting a longing look down the stairs he'd just climbed.

He stiffened in surprise. "Hey, isn't that Kainé?"

Weiss flew to his shoulder. "That hussy? _Inside_ the city?" Despite the open-armed welcome of the town, Kainé still preferred to stay at the gate while Nier and Weiss went in. They both stood there for a long minute, peering into the crowd, but the pale flash that Nier thought he'd seen was nowhere to be found. At last, Weiss shook himself. "The heat must be affecting your eyes," he said, turning back towards the King's manor. "The sooner we complete this job and make for cooler climes, the better."

Nier stood there for another moment. It was true that the heat in Facade was fierce, and sometimes made it hard to think clearly, but he was sure that it had been Kainé he saw. It was the same kind of gut certainty that let him identify a Shade out of the corner of his eye and swing around with sword ready before it got close enough to strike. But if it had been Kainé—well, did it really matter? She was free to come in if she wanted. Maybe she'd gotten bored of standing at the gate for hours at a time.

Slowly, he turned to follow Weiss. "Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

By the time that they had completed their errand, received their payment (three thousand gold—seriously, how could Facade's citizens afford to pay him so well?) and made their way back to the gates, Weiss had already forgotten about Nier's sighting of Kainé. The book was apparently eager for them to be on their way as soon as possible, and so focused on that plan that he drifted straight past the gate and down the steps before he noticed that Nier wasn't following.

"What are you waiting for, man?" Weiss demanded, peevish.

Nier shot him an exasperated look. "Kainé's not here."

Weiss tilted back a fraction—Nier was learning that this was as close as the grimoire got to expressing surprise—then swivelled from side to side, as though Kainé might jump down from the walls, or up from the sands. "So she isn't," he said, in an embarrassed tone that tried and failed to disguise itself as boredom. "Doubtless she saw something she could kill from the gates and went to accomplish that very task. Should we but make our way out, we will surely encounter her in the midst of a merry spree of murder."

"No. I saw her in the city. We'll wait here for her to come back." Nier promptly sat down. He wasn't exactly sorry for the chance to rest. His knees were killing him. Damn stairs.

Weiss reluctantly drifted back over. "You are still certain it was her? Kainé avoids towns as though they were the plague."

Nier shrugged. "I imagine she gets bored as much as anyone else."

"If she hasn't left her post at any point during the last week, I fail to see what could have moved her from it now." The book's tone was distinctly irritated.

"Keep your cover on, book. I'm right here." Both Nier and Weiss turned to see Kainé strolling out of the city gates, a package under one arm.

"And where have you been, hmm?" asked Weiss, still sounding annoyed.

"None of your business." Ignoring the way that Weiss spluttered at this curt dismissal, Kainé looked at Nier. "Are you done with your errands?"

Nier rose to his feet. "All taken care of. We were just waiting for you." He glanced at the package under Kainé's arm. "You got everything you need?"

"Yeah." Her tone discouraged further questions. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

"What do you suppose is in that parcel of hers?" Weiss asked the next day, as they left the sands behind them. Kainé had slipped the thing into her pack without opening it, and Weiss had been trying—with his usual subtlety—to discover what it was ever since. Earlier that morning, Kainé had threatened to turn him into garden mulch if he kept asking, and the book had drifted sulkily back to Nier's side.

"Beats me," said Nier, keeping a wary eye on the landscape. Kainé was ranging ahead, swords in hand, but Nier suspected that had more to do with wanting some quiet than because she was worried about being attacked. It had been a pretty quiet journey so far. The only enemies they had seen were scorpions—it was too bright for Shades, and though they had heard wolves in the distance, they hadn't seen any of the furry bastards up close.

"Aren't you the slightest bit curious?"

Nier _was_ curious—but Kainé still deserved her privacy. Besides, he didn't want to encourage Weiss. "I just don't see how it matters."

"We have no idea what she was doing in town. Does it not strike you as suspicious that after so much time spent resisting your urging to join you, she should decide that an afternoon stroll is in order? In a town with a strange tongue? And then she returns with a mysterious bundle, whose contents she refuses to reveal…"

"You're overthinking this," said Nier. "You heard her. Facade welcomes her with open arms. It makes sense that she'd be more comfortable going in there than anywhere else."

"A place where she doesn't speak a word of the language?"

"I'm sure she can make herself understood. She'd spent time there before, and Fyra would probably translate for her if she needed it."

Weiss grumbled under his breath for a moment. "Very well," he said. "I concede that Facade is the most likely place for her to break her long-standing habit of standoffishness. But we still have no inkling of her purpose in being there…"

"She probably needed to do some shopping."

"Hah! As if the hussy would ever be caught acting for such mundane purposes."

For a supposedly all-knowing magic book, Weiss could get hung up on the strangest things. "Maybe she saw some kid in need of advice," said Nier, trying to keep a straight face. "You know, the kind that involves whispering in their ear and letting them touch her…arm."

As Nier had expected, Weiss exploded. "Y-you blind, brainless thug!" snapped the book, almost stuttering in his outrage. Nier tried not to chuckle. "How dare you mock me! I doubt you would have been so sanguine if it had been your precious Yonah—"

"You're still on about that, huh?"

At some point during their conversation, Kainé had put her swords away and dropped back. Now she stood in front of them, her arms crossed and one eyebrow raised. Nier felt a little guilty. Weiss had been weirdly fixated on the propriety of Kainé's conversation with Emil ever since they had left the manor, and now Nier had set him off again. It might distract Weiss from whatever Kainé had been doing in Facade, but Nier wasn't sure that another lecture about appropriate behaviour towards 'individuals of tender years' was any better.

Weiss whirled towards her and hissed, "If no one else in this party sees fit to pay attention to _the most basic of moral prescripts—"_

Kainé swung her pack off her back and dug around in it. For a moment, Nier thought that she was ignoring Weiss. The book thought so, too: he floated a little higher, his pages rustling angrily, but before he could start on an angry tirade about courtesy and manners and how Kainé lacked both, she found what she was looking for and straightened up. In her hand was the package from Facade, and she thrust it towards Weiss.

"Guess it's a good thing I got this after all," she said. "Here you go, book."

Weiss dropped about a foot in height, and Nier gaped. He'd had his own thoughts about what that package could be, but 'present for Weiss' had never crossed his mind. He felt like he'd missed a step. Several steps. Hell, the whole damn staircase.

"I—you—for me?" stuttered Weiss, sounding as baffled as Nier felt.

"No," said Kainé dryly. "I'm just holding it in your general direction for kicks. Are you going to take this or what?"

Weiss shook himself. It seemed to help. When he spoke again, he sounded almost as disdainful as normal—though Nier could still hear confusion underneath. "Have you truly stooped to trying to buy my silence?" he asked.

"As if there's anything in the world that could make you shut up," said Kainé. "Just take the damn thing already, would you? Before my arm falls off."

"How touching," said Weiss. "Has it escaped you that I lack hands to take this no doubt delightful gift you have decided to bestow upon me? I thought your sight keener than that."

"So use your magic hand trick. Aren't you supposed to be an 'arcane tome of unspeakable power'?"

The derision in her voice made Weiss bristle. "That is an offensive skill strictly for use in combat," he snapped. "Unless you plan for me to crush your token upon contact, which would seem to be rather a waste of funds."

"Wow. The great and powerful Weiss, defeated by a gift. That's kind of pathetic."

" _Grimoire_ Weiss! How many times must I tell you that my name is not to be abbreviated! And as for this thoughtless _gift_ of yours—"

Nier looked from one to the other. He still felt like he was missing some vital piece of information, but he was also pretty sure that you weren't meant to insult someone when you gave them a present. Or got one. Then again, Kainé and Weiss squaring up for another fight was the most normal part of this whole situation.

It would also delay them for hours if he let them really get going. Nier stepped between the two of them.

"Why don't I take it?" he asked. "Since I actually have hands."

Weiss heaved a deep sigh. "At last, a sensible suggestion. I had quite despaired of hearing one."

Kainé rolled her eyes, then shoved the package at Nier. "Here, then."

He took it. There were a lot of questions that he would have liked to ask her—like what this was, and why she'd bothered to buy it, and why she'd had it wrapped when she must have known that Weiss would be unable to open it himself. With his back to Weiss, he shot her a quizzical look. Her expression didn't change at all.

Weiss cleared his throat. "A _hem._ Nier, if you would be so kind."

Despite the drawling, indifferent tone, Nier could tell that Weiss was extremely curious. The way that he shifted side-to-side in the air, as though he were a spectator trying to get a better look at something, was a dead giveaway. Kainé met Nier's eyes. The smallest smirk touched one corner of her mouth, and Nier had a sudden sinking feeling. Maybe this had been a bad idea. But it was too late to back out now—unless he wanted to try tossing the thing over the edge of a cliff and have both Weiss _and_ Kainé shout at him until they got back to the village.

As subtly as he could, Nier hefted the thing. It was small, whatever it was, and not very heavy. And it was inside a box. He could hear something rattling against a hard surface. But what could you buy for a floating, talking book?

Slowly, he turned over the present and began to peel back the wrapping. Weiss drifted closer and closer as Nier worked, until Nier could feel Weiss's pages rustling against his shoulder. He jerked away.

"Stop hovering," he snapped. "I'm going as fast as I can."

"Really? It seems to me that there are snails that work more quickly."

"Hey, if _you_ want to have a go at opening this…"

"You're a pair of fucking idiots," said Kainé, sounding bored. "Get a move on. We don't have all day."

Nier scowled at her. Defiantly, he took his time easing the last of the paper folds from around…a dark wooden box. He had to admit that it was kind of pretty—there were little carvings around the corners, polished until they shone like glass. It reminded him of the box that his wife had kept her jewellery in.

"A handsome trinket," drawled Weiss. "But I hardly see how this is of any value to me."

Kainé rolled her eyes again. "Not the box. What's _in_ the box. Seriously, Nier, are you stalling or just stupid? Open the fucking thing."

Nier looked down at the polished lid and nearly sighed. _Here we go. There's going to be some punchline here, I just know it. I should have bought earplugs while we were in Facade._ He opened it.

Inside the box was a string of pearls. Nier stared at them. So did Weiss. Eventually, the book looked up at Kainé. "I see. So you _have_ completely lost your mind. I suppose that the confirmation is reassuring."

"Nah," said Kainé, with a smirk. "I just figured that if you're going to keep lecturing me about propriety, you should have some actual pearls to clutch."

… _And, there it is._

There were a few seconds of stunned silence before Weiss exploded—almost literally. He rose another two feet in the air, cover snapping open and pages flapping wildly. "You shameless degenerate, how _dare_ you imply that my concerns are—"

"Now see, this is the exact fucking situation that you need them for. I'm gonna get you a hook for them the next time we pass a blacksmith. Then we can hang them on your cover and every time you're tempted to give another rotten lecture about 'proper behaviour', you can just grab them and feel better about yourself."

"Now, see here—"

"Oh, and just remember that you brought this on yourself. The only one who was reading anything into that conversation with Emil was _you._ "

Weiss drew himself up, covers snapping tight over his pages. "One cannot be too careful. I have seen too many young people corrupted—"

"I'm pretty sure you're just a dirty old man."

Weiss dissolved into incoherent spluttering, and Nier sighed. Shutting the lid of the box, he stowed it in his pack. Maybe if Kainé got bored of this little prank, she'd be willing to give the pearls to Yonah. He didn't think Kainé was the jewellery type.

"Kind of expensive for an object lesson," he said, as he started forward again. Kainé fell into step beside him, still smirking triumphantly.

"Pearls might be worth a pile of gold, but riling up that stuffy old magazine? Priceless."


End file.
